Starting again

It seems a lot in my life right now is about starting again.

Lately I've been becoming restless about my room - the amount of stuff I have in here, the 'look' of the stuff I own and I've come to the conclusion I don't like living like a twenty year old.

Despite the fact I do actually do clean outs on a regular basis, I was convinced by Anna to do a clean out of my room today.

I've sent out a whole lot of crap. My wardrobe lost over half of its contents and there is far less... stuff.

I still need new drawers, still need a decent mirror and still have stuff to attack, but it's a start.

Laneways is a-coming

On Monday I am going to go see one of my favourite acts of 2009 - Florence and the Machine - at the inaugural St. Jerome's Laneway Festival in Auckland.

I thought I'd post my current favourite Florence remix. Given I don't do my own hosting I'm just going to point you to where I found it.

Rabbit Heart (Slof Man Dubstep Remix)

And of course, I need to give a shout out to The XX (who are also playing at Laneway on Monday) covering Florence's You Got The Love.

If you're going to Laneway, remember lots of sunblock, cash, a hat, sunnies and maybe even a rain poncho. I had a quick walk-through of the area today and there is shelter, but not much.

Also make sure your shoes are comfy - you'll be on concrete all day.

If you don't have a ticket, Laneway is sold out but 200 more tickets will be made avaliable at the gate on Monday if you're desperate to see Florence or one of the other excellent acts (including Echo and the Bunneymen, Dirty Three and Chrix Knox's return to the stage).

Writer's Block

So I had a big chat with Cate last night and she essentially told me it was bullshit I wasn't blogging every day any more.

She's right, of course, or I wouldn't be writing this blog.

The problem is I have complete writers block.

Part of it is that I can't write what I want to write. Really, I barely even know what I want to talk about half the time - my head is a complete and utter mess right now.

I'm frantically looking for a new job, dealing with a less-than-ideal flatting situation where one flatmate refuses to pay rent, another is doing some very odd things and both of them are stealing pretty much everything I own out of the fridge and cupboard with little regard to the fact that they didn't buy it, I have my own personal issues and there are problems with a couple of relationships where I'm tossing up if it's even worth keeping them going.

There are money issues (but there always are, for everyone) and planning issues and when it comes right down to it, I have way too many things on my mind to be able to sit down and write a blog every single day.

But the truth is, I do sit down to write a blog every day. This blog is littered with half-started drafts. Two lines where I've tried to say something and just completely and utterly failed.

I've decided that the blank posts I haven't filled are going to remain blank. Let's just call it the part of the project where my mojo completely left me and I failed. Sometimes people do fail right? That said, it all comes down to handle the failure. The way I see it, there are three options here -

1. I could decide that this is it. After 2 and a half years of this project, at over half way, I am going to give up and stop.
2. I could frantically try to catch up on the posts I have missed, try to fill in the blanks, spam everybody's RSS readers and write a whole lot of bad posts about stupid things.
3. I could accept I fell off the wagon, that I'm not in the best place and that I need to just get back on. Stop looking back at what I haven't done, and start looking forward to what I can do.

I choose number three.

In my discussion with Cate she also suggested that if I can't blog, to post three things - the best thing about today, the worst thing about today and a statement.

So that's what I'm going to do. God knows how long this block is going to go on for, but from now on there will at least be that posted here, every day.

Hello, you might remember me...

Those BDO (and a Camera Obscura) posts are coming, but I've got 10 minutes so I just thought I'd jot down a quick blog.

I think I need to change the name of this blog. Very clearly it is no longer a blog-a-day. Not only that, but the idea of catching up on such a hideous number of posts makes me sick. Thus, this blog needs a new title so I can just stop sitting down every couple of months and spamming everyone's RSS readers.

Here are a couple of blogs I think are worth reading. They're more interesting than I am anyway

Wondered why I'm seeing so much live music lately? We can safely blame my friend @cainenz for that one and he's just started writing some great posts on pullmystrings.net about indy music. If you want to find some cool new artists, this is the place to go. Boy knows his stuff.

Next up, >140. This one is run by @CateOwen and it's pretty much where she says stuff when she has stuff to say. Maybe she'll put me on her Twitter background for linking her. I doubt it.

Finally, check out ATC's Green Room, the Auckland Theatre Company blog which plans to take you behind the scenes of their productions. There's only one post now, but it promises to turn into something very cool.

All these blogs have been added to the link bar on the site so if you want to find them again, they're there.

Please, any ideas for blog names (the Blog-Whenever-I-Can-Be-Bothered Project is a little long, for the record) leave them in comments.

BDO, an overview

So, the BDO was awesome.

Highlights included Girl Talk, Peaches and Opensouls.

I'm going to post a decent post on each act I saw but need to offload the video and photos from my phone first.

Next up on the concert lineup is Camera Obscura on Monday, followed by Laneways in a couple of weeks.

Exciting!

BDO BABY!!!

Ticket? Check.
Timetable? Check.
Musli Bars? Check.
Train ticket? Check.
Earplugs? Check.
Tissues? Check.
Plasters? Check.
Panadol? Check.
Rain poncho? Check.
Cigarettes? Check.
Sunblock? Check.
Comfortable shoes? Check.
Sunglasses I can handle losing? Check.
Cash, ID, EFTPOS card? Check.
Fully charged cell phone? Check.

I'm totally ready for the Big Day Out, I'm hyping myself by listening to Peaches.

Bring it on!!!!!

Lost in the waves

I'm facing a bit of an identity crisis at the moment. I've spent a number of years coming to terms with who I am, and now I'm wondering if who I thought I was is actually who I am - if that makes any sense.

I feel like I'm trapped. There's no one really I can talk to about how I'm feeling because I don't know anyone who have been in my boat. I know people who have been in similar-ish situations, but not close enough to really talk it out. I've looked for support groups and the like, but the only thing that really caters to me has stopped running and my only alternative is really private counseling - which isn't quite what I want.

I have friends who are more than open to talking about it, but unfortunately, none of them can answer my questions. None of them can quite relate to what I'm going through, and that makes me feel very alone.

I've found a couple of helpful websites but right now, I feel washed out to sea. I know I'm hardly the first person to go through any of this, but that's how it feels.

There's a giant leap I think I need to take, but I don't think I'm ready and I'm not sure I have the courage to turn my world upside-down like that.

This whole thing feels like I've just been surprised by a big wave on a surf beach and I'm running out of air and I'm helplessly tumbling in the ocean, hitting my head and struggling for the surface, if only I could work out which direction that was in.

It's confusion and it's pain, and I need help finding my feet.

Reorganisation

It's recently struck me that it's been a long time since I've had some semblance of order in my life.

It's been a long time since I've lived somewhere and wanted to be settled, but I'm finally hitting a point now where I'd like to be settled. My flat's pretty great and I'm just about to upheave my job, so last night I completely rearranged my room into something more... comfortable.

Call it nesting (which is probably what it is), but if other parts of my life are going to potentially fall to crap in the next two months, I at least want a room I'm happy and comfortable in, that makes me feel like I have a safe place.

Next up is to sort out the huge pile of papers I found while I cleaned and rearranged. Then to sell large piles of textbooks and books I have no use for on TradeMe.

On top of this I've got numerous miscellaneous jobs to take care of. One of which was to quit the gym. I haven't actually been in 3 months and in the 15 months I have been a member, I've gone 55 times, which works out at about $20/visit. It's just not working for me and thus, I've left.

It's just the beginning. I'm determined that when I look back at my life in 2020 I can say I achieved a lot more than I did in the last decade. The last decade has been about growing up and finding my feet. I'm now grown and on my feet, time to use them and walk forward.

Something's not right

This blog exists, it's just hiding.

Sorry about that.

The Present

This post exists, it just exists somewhere else.

3 Months

It's amazing how much your life can change in 3 months.

How meeting a single person can just change the course of things, and what you thought you knew about yourself, quite dramatically.

Love you baby.

New painting

I finished a painting I began back in January this year today. Or at least, I think it's finished. I'm tempted to go back over it again once it's cry and add some detail to the mountain, the boat, and maybe some tussock on what currently looks like sand to increase the perspective.

That said, doing that will probably take another 12 months.

I've been working on this particular canvas since 2005. At first it was an abstract piece, which I decided I didn't like. Then I got angry one day and it became a black canvas with a red flame, which I didn't like. Next, it became a taniwha, but again, it didn't sit right with me. The red boat at Mahia is this canvas' 4th incarnation. I'm much happier with this piece than all the others put together.

It's eye catching. I think I'll put in up on my wall and ponder the next step for a while.

New Years Resolutions

My New Years Resolutions...

1. Get a new job
   
2. Pay off my debts, or at least organise a way for them to become a whole lot less painful.
3. Sort out my insurance, banks, finances etc
4. Start walking again

Better get cracking!

New Years at Ink/Coherent

Last night was pretty awesome. We ended up going to Ink/Coherent to see Nextmen which was a pretty cool gig. Not filled with people (I'm guessing a whole bunch were at Our:House/Highlife) but we had fun nonetheless.

I got my kiss at midnight and I welcomed in the New Year in style. Really, that's all that matters.

Happy New Year!