Thursday, November 29, 2007

Black and White


When I was younger I used to think that sex was a black and white issue. You were having it or you weren't. You were a virgin or you weren't, you were gay or straight. As I've grown older I've very much come to the conclusion that the world doesn't work in black and white, and neither does sex.

Sex doesn't have to be in a relationship. Sex doesn't have to be a one-night-stand to be 'casual', it doesn't even have to be just sex, you can have casual sex with friends. Some might point out that yes, it's probably the riskiest kind of sex to have because the emotions that will probably come to light can tear a friendship apart, but it's also the best kind of casual sex to have because you actually care about the other person.

A fuck buddy (or booty call), to me, is just that. It's someone who you meet up with, have sex, and go home. There's no real bonding, there's just sex. Essentially the other person is just a complicated wanking routine. It's shallow and hollow. A friend-with-benefits is far more appealing in the realm of casual sex because you either already know, or get to know the person. You learn (and actually care) about what they like and why they like it and who they are when their clothes are still on. It's more complicated, and it's riskier, but it's far more rewarding.

A fuck buddy has zero chance of becoming something more. There's no respect. You probably don't even have much in common (apart from the desire to fornicate). It's just sex. A friend-with-benefits has the potential to become something more. It's entirely reliant on honesty and respect because if feelings get involved and honesty and respect are not there, then it can get very, very messy.

Then there's the one night stand. It's the least complicated of all the casual sex categories. Two strangers who meet, dance all night and then say goodbye.

It's always better with honesty. No doubt the best sex I've experienced has been based on honesty. The worst and most damaging has had a serious amount of dishonesty, and there's no bigger turn-off then a liar.

Even relationships aren't black and white. There's polyamory, open relationships and the hardest one - forgiveness.

Sexuality isn't black and white either. Heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual, asexual and my personal favourite: pansexual. I know that many people fall into the first three groups but I think that a growing number fit into the pansexual category which is people open to any kind of sexual activity as long as it's consensual.

When looking at sex it's all grey. All the above combinations can be mixed and matched. We're all different, we all like different things. Some people like to be whipped, some like to be tied down, some like plain old vanilla sex, some prefer it by themselves, some don't like sex much, and some don't like it at all. It's a basic human function. It's as normal and as natural as breathing, it's as close as you can get to another human being and it can be wonderful but sometimes it has the tendency to hurt like nothing else. It can open up the biggest secrets in your life and force you to face them. It can teach you about yourself or put a big smile on your face but it can also make you cry so hard you just want the earth to swallow you up.

It's not black and white, it's all grey, just like life.

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